i'm afraid i may be in love.
How do you tell if your in love? what are the signs? i figure it must be different for every individual - so how do I know I am??
How is love different from intensely good friendship or how is being IN love different from just feeling a kind of love?
This person is a friend; someone i have known for some years and someone whose company i enjoy a lot. I find it very easy to be with him, we can talk easily about many many things; we laugh and enjoy each others sense of humour; we enjoy the same books and the same programmes and films; we both enjoy the same kinds of things in life. When I am with him time loses its meaning and the hours fly by until our time is up. Even when we are not necessarily doing something together I just enjoy being in the same room as him.
Seeing him makes me happy.
Ok I'm really scared this may be love. Uh oh. I do NOT think he feels the same way and I sure as hell dont wanna spoil a great friendship- cliche but true.
What do I do? How do i know? And if i decide i wanna be with him - what the hell is the next step??
This is all bloody scary!
Thursday, 9 July 2009
Monday, 22 June 2009
ssshhhh!!!
I just watched a horrific programme on TV about the ever increasing incidents of gang rape in the UK - it was horrible to watch and my dad especially found it very disturbing and kept asking me to turn over. I guess its one thing to know it happens and another to hear these young girls describe their experiences.
One of the worst aspects was that these crimes were committed by young teenagers, some as young as 12 or 13, on girls just as young. To hear the violence and brutality was scary and what made it worse was the planning and the lack of conscience about these crimes that these young boys had, even some of the girls. Some men were so confused about the issue of consent and somehow the lines between rough sex and consent had become blurred. These young boys had no idea how intimidating they could appear to a young girl who may take their rough-housing and harshly playful attitude to mena she didnt have a choice.
Many of the young boys/men didnt care what the young girls thought.
As a victim of childhood sexual abuse I was morbidly fascinated by the programme. In some respects I could relate to these girls - who will never be the same again.
I know that some believe that its all a matter of mental strength,that these experiences and bad memories can be overcome but it just isnt so.
At least not for me.
I may have been a child. I may have only partial memories but what I do remember is vivid and dramatic though it sounds, its imprinted on my brain, my soul. I CANNOT forget.
I find thoughts of the childhood abuse creep into my mind at the most random times and it is, at the very least, a mood changing experience.
Over time it does become something you do not think about every day, maybe not even every week but then something will happen, random or seemingly unconnected, and the memories will come flooding back.
At the worst times I will have flashback when I will see what I saw then;the images are so vivid that its almost like I am back there, in that time.I feel like I could reach out and touch the sheets or look up and see the room I was in.
Nothing can explain this to someone who has not been through it and it is something we will live with all of our lives. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with it, some better than others but its all up to the individual and their unique cases.
As a Muslim woman from an ethnic background I find that these issues are totally ignored and often swept under the carpet,not to be spoken of or acknowledged in any way. This kind of attitude is a disgrace. What makes it much much worse is that in our communities, often a female victim of rape or sexual abuse will be ostracized or blamed in some way. HER reputation will suffer, people will gossip about HER - even though she had already been brutalised. She will be alone, to cope with it within her own house in her own way, she will probably never be married or even be able to mix freely as she did before.
Its totally disgusting and unacceptable. Islam does not teach us this, our religion is of understanding and acceptance - we should support our sisters in need. Instead we push them to the back, not to be seen or heard from, ignored if possible... even sometimes not allowing her to speak out against the grave injustice done to her or prosecute her attacker cos it will cause the family "shame" or cause the family "dishonour". A family who does this has no honour or dignity to tarnish and they should hang their heads in shame.
Their sin is almost as awful as the rapists.
I remember when I came out about my abuse - my mother was horrified but she supported me straight away but other members of the family questioned my memories and my truthfullness although I had given them no reason to. It wasnt until years later when my abuser admitted his crimes himself did they believe me.
Such behaviour must be avoided and in such cases the truth must be found - for the benefit of all. Abusers and rapists that are not brought to justice just go on to do it again - and next time is partly your fault as you did nothing about it.
One of the worst aspects was that these crimes were committed by young teenagers, some as young as 12 or 13, on girls just as young. To hear the violence and brutality was scary and what made it worse was the planning and the lack of conscience about these crimes that these young boys had, even some of the girls. Some men were so confused about the issue of consent and somehow the lines between rough sex and consent had become blurred. These young boys had no idea how intimidating they could appear to a young girl who may take their rough-housing and harshly playful attitude to mena she didnt have a choice.
Many of the young boys/men didnt care what the young girls thought.
As a victim of childhood sexual abuse I was morbidly fascinated by the programme. In some respects I could relate to these girls - who will never be the same again.
I know that some believe that its all a matter of mental strength,that these experiences and bad memories can be overcome but it just isnt so.
At least not for me.
I may have been a child. I may have only partial memories but what I do remember is vivid and dramatic though it sounds, its imprinted on my brain, my soul. I CANNOT forget.
I find thoughts of the childhood abuse creep into my mind at the most random times and it is, at the very least, a mood changing experience.
Over time it does become something you do not think about every day, maybe not even every week but then something will happen, random or seemingly unconnected, and the memories will come flooding back.
At the worst times I will have flashback when I will see what I saw then;the images are so vivid that its almost like I am back there, in that time.I feel like I could reach out and touch the sheets or look up and see the room I was in.
Nothing can explain this to someone who has not been through it and it is something we will live with all of our lives. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with it, some better than others but its all up to the individual and their unique cases.
As a Muslim woman from an ethnic background I find that these issues are totally ignored and often swept under the carpet,not to be spoken of or acknowledged in any way. This kind of attitude is a disgrace. What makes it much much worse is that in our communities, often a female victim of rape or sexual abuse will be ostracized or blamed in some way. HER reputation will suffer, people will gossip about HER - even though she had already been brutalised. She will be alone, to cope with it within her own house in her own way, she will probably never be married or even be able to mix freely as she did before.
Its totally disgusting and unacceptable. Islam does not teach us this, our religion is of understanding and acceptance - we should support our sisters in need. Instead we push them to the back, not to be seen or heard from, ignored if possible... even sometimes not allowing her to speak out against the grave injustice done to her or prosecute her attacker cos it will cause the family "shame" or cause the family "dishonour". A family who does this has no honour or dignity to tarnish and they should hang their heads in shame.
Their sin is almost as awful as the rapists.
I remember when I came out about my abuse - my mother was horrified but she supported me straight away but other members of the family questioned my memories and my truthfullness although I had given them no reason to. It wasnt until years later when my abuser admitted his crimes himself did they believe me.
Such behaviour must be avoided and in such cases the truth must be found - for the benefit of all. Abusers and rapists that are not brought to justice just go on to do it again - and next time is partly your fault as you did nothing about it.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
The Jokes of Love
Most of my friends are married now and may are having their first children and while I am totally pleased for them, I wonder about me.
Maybe I should be more bothered that in the eyes of the world I am getting woefully left behind but I find that mostly I'm not that bothered. BUT I worry that one day I will regret not doing more to advance my own progress - that I will be an old maid sat home alone with my cats, regret loves lost and children unborn.
They all seem to have found their other halves while dont even know what I want in my man! lol More than finding the man I find what I most envy them is the babies. I want a baby. I always have loved and adored children and I find that I am quite good with them. I love the feel of a baby in my arms, the weight and warmth of them, the small sighs and moans they make, the cute faces, their chipmunk cheeks, the smallness - its all just so....... cute!
I am afraid I am doomed to be attracted to the kind of man that will never be attracted to me and would never consider me their life partner. I find that the type of men I like think of me as a good friend or at least a friend. And maybe just maybe I may like a guy who will never think of me as anything more than that.
Further, most men in this country dont even like the way I look - I shall never ever be skinny enough or tall enough or pretty enough. I am just me- I was not made to be slim and svelte. Can any man even look past that to see ME? So far the evidence points to the "NO" side.
More and more I am starting to think on these topics -not so much, I think, because they are in MY mind bt because people always ask and they NEVER let you forget!
Maybe I should be more bothered that in the eyes of the world I am getting woefully left behind but I find that mostly I'm not that bothered. BUT I worry that one day I will regret not doing more to advance my own progress - that I will be an old maid sat home alone with my cats, regret loves lost and children unborn.
They all seem to have found their other halves while dont even know what I want in my man! lol More than finding the man I find what I most envy them is the babies. I want a baby. I always have loved and adored children and I find that I am quite good with them. I love the feel of a baby in my arms, the weight and warmth of them, the small sighs and moans they make, the cute faces, their chipmunk cheeks, the smallness - its all just so....... cute!
I am afraid I am doomed to be attracted to the kind of man that will never be attracted to me and would never consider me their life partner. I find that the type of men I like think of me as a good friend or at least a friend. And maybe just maybe I may like a guy who will never think of me as anything more than that.
Further, most men in this country dont even like the way I look - I shall never ever be skinny enough or tall enough or pretty enough. I am just me- I was not made to be slim and svelte. Can any man even look past that to see ME? So far the evidence points to the "NO" side.
More and more I am starting to think on these topics -not so much, I think, because they are in MY mind bt because people always ask and they NEVER let you forget!
Sunday, 31 May 2009
chilled weekend
Sometimes, usually when its unexpected, you have the best time ever. This weekend was one of those experiences and I'm still riding off the totall high it has given me. It was just so chilled out and relaxed and the weather was fabulous.
I LURVE hot weather and the sunshine has the capacity to make me so happy and it just makes me smile!
Yesterday I went to the zoo with some of my friends and it was so amazing. I havnt been to the zoo since I was a child and that was why we went, almost as if to relive parts of our childhood and have good, clean, innocent fun again.
The day rocked. We strolled around, were silly, had a laugh, ate an amazinf picnic and just lay in the grass breathing deep.
It was just what I needed. Afterwards it just felt like every cell in my body had been cleansed and they had all relaxed.
Today was once again sunny and beautiful. I was set up to meet this guy today by a friend and this isnt something that happens to me often. Usually meetings are ackward and fraught with a bucket load of "what ifs". Today I just went in a relaxed and open frame of mind.
We all had lunch and it went smoothly, even well I think. I'm not the most perceptive or observant of people but with my limited skills I think we had fun, we had lots to talk about (always good) and we seemed to at least have a similar attitude to life. I just hope he isnt just liking me cos he is so desperate to be with someone, anyone. I didnt think so but still....
After lunch we decided to walk home (to walk off our heavy desserts!) and some random, nice, cyclist told me I was "devastatingly beautiful" and asked me out!! well how very flattering!! Gave me an ego boost (which i think i needed!) and made my day, my flaming weekend!!! lol
Then to top that off, I got noticed again, by another cyclist, and got whisteled at. Well - there was something in the day today that was just going my way!! :-) total ego boost.
To round off what had been a fantastic afternoon me and my sis sat around our front lawn sunbathing and just chilling and chatting in the glorious sunshine.
A totally fantabulistic day. May I have many more like this!!
I LURVE hot weather and the sunshine has the capacity to make me so happy and it just makes me smile!
Yesterday I went to the zoo with some of my friends and it was so amazing. I havnt been to the zoo since I was a child and that was why we went, almost as if to relive parts of our childhood and have good, clean, innocent fun again.
The day rocked. We strolled around, were silly, had a laugh, ate an amazinf picnic and just lay in the grass breathing deep.
It was just what I needed. Afterwards it just felt like every cell in my body had been cleansed and they had all relaxed.
Today was once again sunny and beautiful. I was set up to meet this guy today by a friend and this isnt something that happens to me often. Usually meetings are ackward and fraught with a bucket load of "what ifs". Today I just went in a relaxed and open frame of mind.
We all had lunch and it went smoothly, even well I think. I'm not the most perceptive or observant of people but with my limited skills I think we had fun, we had lots to talk about (always good) and we seemed to at least have a similar attitude to life. I just hope he isnt just liking me cos he is so desperate to be with someone, anyone. I didnt think so but still....
After lunch we decided to walk home (to walk off our heavy desserts!) and some random, nice, cyclist told me I was "devastatingly beautiful" and asked me out!! well how very flattering!! Gave me an ego boost (which i think i needed!) and made my day, my flaming weekend!!! lol
Then to top that off, I got noticed again, by another cyclist, and got whisteled at. Well - there was something in the day today that was just going my way!! :-) total ego boost.
To round off what had been a fantastic afternoon me and my sis sat around our front lawn sunbathing and just chilling and chatting in the glorious sunshine.
A totally fantabulistic day. May I have many more like this!!
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
scrambled eggs for brains
I am 26 and life is totally complicated. I always thought I'd know exactly what I wanted to do and who I am and what I wanted to do by now but I totally don't!! I see my friends and family (as well as people in general) getting on with life and decisions and I want to be like them but just can't seem to manage it.
What is wrong with me??
Our little nuclear family just a long overdue, but very intense and emotional, family discussion. A lot was discussed however I just don't know how much was resolved.
I have a lot of faults. I need to adress them. Most of all I need to find a direction in life and STICK to it. I need to have a goal and work flat out to achieve it. Blood, sweat and tears are required.
Through no one elses fault but myy own I have wasted a LOT of my life. Bad decisions, laziness, depression, lack of motivation, illness - the excuses are many. None of them help.
The past is over and I am going to do my best not to think about it too much. I need, I think, to look forward and plan. Plan what to do, what will be best and what will work out.
1) I need to lose weight - this is imperitive for my health and my peace of mind. I want to be fit and healthy and I want to be able to look good. I want to be able to go shopping and find funky clothes that fit in reasonable sizes.
2) I need to stop being lazy and stop making excuses.
3) I need to be proactive and actively search for ways to improve my life.
4) I need to decide what to do and how best to do it. Goals. I need a direction.
5) I need to be truthful to myself.
6) I need to love myself for who and what I am. I need to feel secure in myself and have self-confidence.
7) I definately need to do something to improve my memory because I had two more goals and I can't remember them!!
I wish I was more liked by my immediate family. I wish I fit in with them. I really cannot see what I am doing wrong even though it is so clear to them. Is it that I am soo incredibly stubborn that even my subconscious is stubbornly not allowing me to see what it is that they are saying??
What I have running in place for my future right now is:
1) Teaching application
2) ESL abroad
3) Going back to the day job (must discuss this with the boss) and then improving my skills e.g. via management courses
My brain is so choc-full I dont even know what was discussed or what I mean to do; but I have got some of it down at least and I can read over it tomorrow and discuss it with myself.
I wish I had more clarity of though and was more self-analytical then I could sort myself and my mish-mash of a life out!
What is wrong with me??
Our little nuclear family just a long overdue, but very intense and emotional, family discussion. A lot was discussed however I just don't know how much was resolved.
I have a lot of faults. I need to adress them. Most of all I need to find a direction in life and STICK to it. I need to have a goal and work flat out to achieve it. Blood, sweat and tears are required.
Through no one elses fault but myy own I have wasted a LOT of my life. Bad decisions, laziness, depression, lack of motivation, illness - the excuses are many. None of them help.
The past is over and I am going to do my best not to think about it too much. I need, I think, to look forward and plan. Plan what to do, what will be best and what will work out.
1) I need to lose weight - this is imperitive for my health and my peace of mind. I want to be fit and healthy and I want to be able to look good. I want to be able to go shopping and find funky clothes that fit in reasonable sizes.
2) I need to stop being lazy and stop making excuses.
3) I need to be proactive and actively search for ways to improve my life.
4) I need to decide what to do and how best to do it. Goals. I need a direction.
5) I need to be truthful to myself.
6) I need to love myself for who and what I am. I need to feel secure in myself and have self-confidence.
7) I definately need to do something to improve my memory because I had two more goals and I can't remember them!!
I wish I was more liked by my immediate family. I wish I fit in with them. I really cannot see what I am doing wrong even though it is so clear to them. Is it that I am soo incredibly stubborn that even my subconscious is stubbornly not allowing me to see what it is that they are saying??
What I have running in place for my future right now is:
1) Teaching application
2) ESL abroad
3) Going back to the day job (must discuss this with the boss) and then improving my skills e.g. via management courses
My brain is so choc-full I dont even know what was discussed or what I mean to do; but I have got some of it down at least and I can read over it tomorrow and discuss it with myself.
I wish I had more clarity of though and was more self-analytical then I could sort myself and my mish-mash of a life out!
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